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To answer the question in the title, we first have to answer this question:
How has Valentine, the day of love, turned into a lose-lose situation?
Men, have you ever been made to feel like you should be ashamed of yourself? Have you ever been made to feel ashamed of how you (re)acted in front of a woman? Or have you ever been made to feel ashamed about something you said that applied to one or multiple women?
When I wrote the first post about shaming, I ended by saying that the upcoming post, i.e the one you are reading right now, should not be considered as a “how to”-guideline. Apparently I changed my mind, because this is now exactly as how everything below is phrased…
I am splitting up the blogpost on shaming into two parts. What you are reading here is part one, and it discusses shaming in general.
Shaming = suggesting or explicitly stating that a person’s behavior is reprehensible or that the person as a whole is reprehensible because of some undesired behavior.
Creating false hopes = suggesting or explicitly stating something will happen, not with the intention to follow through, but with the intention to control another person.
Plausible deniability = doing something intentionally, yet done in such a way that the aggressor can claim it wasn’t intentional, and so the victim has no way to prove that claim wrong. This is the core of passive aggression and of gaslighting.