This is the second post going in deeper on the three Machiavellian ways of manipulation.
Again, none of these three types of manipulation are a purely feminine endeavor: I am sure men are capable of this too, but I am under the impression that generally men aren’t even half as sophisticated as women when doing this.
2 – Creating False Hopes
Creating false hopes = suggesting or explicitly stating something will happen, not with the intention to follow through, but with the intention to control another person.
How do some women intentionally create false hopes?
The women who do this intentionally, do so by imitating the natural behavior she would normally only have when she would attracted to a guy. Manipulation means this behavior is created intentionally with the purpose to deceive a guy, usually with the intent to make a man (or plenty of men) more malleable to agree to do something that might eventually make him feel bad or somehow he otherwise wouldn’t be doing. Deep down, it is being suggestive of something she as the woman knows will never happen (being the one who decides what will happen, and if it will happen).
– I once had an extroverted, very socially intelligent and beautiful assistant: at the time she was also a model and a winner of several national and international beauty pageants. In that world she had learned how to imitate that look in the eyes combined with that specific smile that makes men think she is interested in them, and to elicit a response in men that ultimately served her purpose. Ironically, when men fell for it, she instantaneously had less respect for those men. Of course, she wouldn’t tell the men that were under her spell: she was all smiles in their face, but would only express it to me, behind their backs. Keeping her around as a friend serves as a good reminder for myself and mental inoculation against the lures of the sirens of this world.
But false hopes can also be created through words:
– When I just started dating again after about a decade with one girl, one Cornell University graduate that I dated with a few times texted me she wanted to rip the clothes of of me and have me fuck her. Did we ever do it? No, of course not. Words are cheap!
– Another girl I met through Tinder last year checked with me if I share the common male fantasy of having myself a girlfriend who wants me so happy that she even would let another girl join in with sex – in other words, she wanted to know if I ever fantasized about a ménage à trois. After she saw from my reaction that I wouldn’t mind (two girls, not two guys) she told me that if she met the right guy, she wouldn’t mind having threesomes regularly if that is what he is into. I didn’t believe her.
I think appealing to a guy’s fantasy and to his desire of getting whatever sexual experience he wants without a problem, is the number one way in which girls use false hopes to make guys do something for them, without actually ever delivering on the images they intentionally create in the guy’s mind.
– Apart from that girl, there have been two girls I had a long relationship with, who both at the end of the relationship literally told me that I could have a threesome with them, i.e. that they would invite another girl to join in at some undetermined point in the future. Never happened of course. Words are just words! They mean nothing.
So when are words real, and when not?
If a girl really means something, she will be very careful about saying it, especially if it is about her own sexuality. Whether she wants sex with a guy, or whether she is a virgin: she will not verbalize this until the moment the guy is putting on the condom.
After my first girlfriend, I have had something with two virgins. Guess what? They only shared with me that they were virgins by the time I was almost inside of them. (With one I wasn’t permitted to go deeper than a certain point: the ultimate test of self-control, but that aside.) Other girls who clearly are not a virgin, sometimes say “I am a virgin” during dating to manipulate a guy. I have a vague memory of some girl also trying it on me. As I remained unphased and showed she couldn’t deceive me, she soon admitted it was a lie. I personally don’t want anything with such manipulative girls.
Do you know when any regular woman will admit to wanting sex to the guy she wants to be fucked by? She will only say it right before she has sex with him, no matter how long before she has been wanting it. If a woman is explicit about wanting sex, but she is not immediately allowing for a situation of you to be privately together, it are just words man. Don’t believe it. She wants something else.
Why is this relevant?
If a woman really considers doing something unique for her guy like a threesome, I imagine she will say very honestly that she will try to arrange something and who she has in mind, or how she will go about. Details will be ready.
I also imagine she will wait to mention it again until it almost happens: she will not just randomly mention it to win any argument about things that are completely unrelated.
That means that if she really wants to do something for you, she will make it happen as soon as she says it. It will not be for an undetermined point in time in a hypothetical future.
Also, i imagine that if a girl will really go on with it, she will not wait to mention it until she is about to break up with you.
TLDR: When a woman suggest you get to do something you fantasize about but never got a chance to, you can be pretty sure it will not happen if she doesn’t do it right away. If she really wants to please you in a certain she will just do it, and at most ask if you are okay with it.
Every girl knows sex is important to guys, in a different way than to themselves. Women don’t quite understand why, but they know it works. What do women care that you as a guy mainly just want to feel special to her, and that you just want to feel like she is prepared to do more for your happiness than she ever wanted to do for another guy? That might be your driving force for wanting to get intimate and for wanting sexual things that actually don’t even turn you on extremely much, but just make you feel she would do nearly anything just to see you happy. Come on: how fucking awesomely romantic is it to know your girl wants you happy no matter what? I think is is pretty awesome, and I have made it my basic criteria to decide if I will give a girl a serious chance for a relationship with me. From a guy’s perspective, if she does things that make you feel she wants to satisfy her and your natural curiosity to experience things that are new to you (even ifs he did it already), and that she wants to give you the opportunity to share that memory with her, is seen as a clear sign she truly wants him happy, respects him and has the hots for him. But to her, a guy’s desire for this is just a weakness of men that she can use against you. Your weakness is your desire to feel special.
When is it NOT manipulation?
I also want to make clear that not every instance in which a man grows hopes is due to manipulation. Hopes are a natural part of being human.
For example, imagine the following boy-meets-girl story.
One autumn day, a guy arrives in town. As it goes whenever anyone moves into a new place, he needs to arrange a lot of small things. So the first day he is in town, he goes to arrange one of the many small chores he has to do and meets this girl. They strike up a conversation, and for some or other mysterious reason the guy feels really at ease with her, and she feels equally at ease with him. In fact, it is a lot more than just feeling at ease: there is this instant chemistry and connection between the two of them.
It is like that typical romantic movie moment where the two main characters first meet each other, and where as a viewer of that movie you can just instantaneously see where this is heading for the two of them. Despite it being clear for everyone watching such a movie, neither the guy, nor the girl seems to be aware that this is just the first moment of many moments they will grow closer to each other.
Some time goes by where both do their own thing, seemingly like that first random meeting, that shared special moment, never occurred, almost like they forgot about it. The guy starts dating, the girl gets back with her ex boyfriend. And then one Winter day, shortly before Christmas, the guy and the girl happen to run into each other again during a party. There is something in the way these two look at each other, the way they talk to each other.
The story goes on, but to make a long story short: he finds out she has a boyfriend, but he decides to ignore this, thinks he is capable of being just platonic friends with her, and he spends time together with her to get to know her better. But lo and behold, one day they go for a walk in nature, he gets his pants half soaked from molten snow, and ends up spending the rest of the day in her house sitting in his underwear.
The weird thing? Both the guy and the girl have less of a problem with him sitting there in his underwear, than to realize that what they feel isn’t just an urge to be friends. She even made an apple pie to welcome him. There is something hanging in the air that feels real good for both of them, and it is not just the fragrance of the freshly baked pie. She invites him to stay longer and to stay over for dinner. She stays up way past her regular bedtime to enjoy his company and gets herself a glass of wine while he declines to drink one.
– So is this manipulation? Is she giving him false hopes?
She really cares about this guy: she doesn’t want him to get hurt, so she suggests this is the last time they should meet, even though she very much would like to continue seeing him. She suggests to disregard her own desire, just to make sure that the guy doesn’t get his feelings hurt.
And he? He wants to continue seeing her, and they do, just once more. And then it all ends and they go their separate ways again never to be this close again.
But wait a second…
– If she let him spend time on her, isn’t that one of those car salesmen tricks to get him emotionally invested in her? (As mentioned in the previous blog post on plausible deniability.)
No! Because she suggested he should not spend so much time on her, eventhough she very much enjoys spending time with him. She doesn’t need more time to feel comfortable with him: they already felt comfortable the first instant they met. Nor does she need more time to trust him: she knows he can be trusted.
– Okay, but then, she invited him over to her house and had a glass of wine: isn’t she creating a plausible deniable excuse for having sex? Like, isn’t that signalling she wants to make it more easy for things to happen and be able to say “it just happened”, or “it was because I was drunk” (after just one glass)?
No, not in this case. She did the things she did, because it felt right: she showed him she trusts him. At the same time, she didn’t trust herself: she kept physical distance to make sure she wouldn’t lead him on, even though she very much would love to hug him, and be hugged by him, and be physically close to him. She sacrificed her own desire to make sure that he, nor her current boyfriend is deceived by her. She cares.
– Okay-okay, if you say so. But there is one more thing: she did take the time to make him an apple pie and invited him over for dinner. And didn’t you say in your blog post on how Maslow’s pyramid of needs can be used for attraction, that “to make a man happy, keep his stomach full and his balls empty?”
Yes, absolutely: men’s happiness sometimes is just that simple to achieve. But that this girl did half of that for the guy in this boy-meets-girl story, was because she had an urge to make him happy. His happiness was her only purpose. In manipulation on the other hand, the manipulator will make someone happy, not because of a natural urge or natural pleasure in seeing the other person happy, but because a manipulator wants to get something out of the person she is manipulating. A manipulator doesn’t really care about a person’s happiness, only about how her victim can serve her purpose. But the girl in this boy-meets-girl story did not have any ulterior motive: she just wanted to do this for him. That is very kind of her, NOT manipulative!
– Okay, let’s say I accept all your arguments. Didn’t the guy have hopes for being close to her and see her again, and for creating all other sorts of shared memories that never happened? In other words, didn’t she create false hopes in him? And then, isn’t that an example of creating false hopes?
Yes, of course he had hopes that never were fulfilled, but no, she did not create this: she was very straightforward from the first interaction onward that they could not do more because she has a boyfriend. It is only natural for him, and for all people to have hopes at times: when we enjoy something, nearly every human being will naturally have the hope to be able to enjoy more of it. Making someone feel good is not intrinsically an evil or manipulative act: it can be a genuine, kind act of affection and deeply caring for someone, even if the situation doesn’t allow for more. If a guy feels good in a girl’s company and she in his, this is a natural feeling that should be cherished.