In a previous post it was outlined how safety is crucial for attraction to exist, and how this relates to Maslow’s hierarchy of basic human needs. In this post we will further explore how a man can make sure a girl feels safe around him.
Men’s size & women’s safety
While many short men find their size to be a disadvantage and envy taller men, many a tall athletic man may have wondered why despite seeing a woman being initially attracted to him, her attraction to him faded away. Truth is, a man’s size cuts two ways. That means the advantage and disadvantage of your length and strength are two sides of the same coin.
Although short men complain that they need to work harder to get a woman attracted, the advantage of being shorter is that it can be easier once a woman is attracted, to keep her attracted and to progress to physical intimacy.
In general however, a man is usually somewhat taller and stronger than a woman. This is called sexual dimorphism, and is common in all humans to some extent (although less so for Asians). Strength and height in a man are very attractive in that they signal to a woman he can protect her from harassment (providing safety, the second need on Maslow’s pyramid of needs). Moreover, physical strength triggers sexual fantasies that are hard to imagine if he’d be too weak or short to lift her even a bit. This sexual fantasy feeds into the first and fourth need on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, respectively by fulfilling her physical needs (for sex) and to some extent her need for being valued (she gets to experience sex with a strong, attractive man). Both the physical safety and sexual fantasies triggered by taller stronger men, make it easier for such men to create initial attraction.
However, a woman needs to feel safe that a man’s physical strength is not going to be used against her, and needs to feel safe she will not find herself physically coerced into something she may not want. This is why men who weigh no more than the woman and do not tower above her, have it relatively easier once the woman is attracted to him. After all, a man of equal or shorter stature does not need a lot of effort to make any woman feel safe to be alone with him: she can easily overpower him. However, for most men who are generally a bit stronger, taller or weigh more than a woman, it is important to pay attention on how you can make her feel safe with you, once she is attracted. Men, more on that in the tips you will find if you scroll down.
Tips for guys in dating:
How to fulfill her need for safety, second need on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (See our post on Maslow’s pyramid of attraction and our post on the role of feeling safe in creating and keeping attraction)
If you are rather short of stature, you need relatively little work on making her feel safe before she is ready to get physically intimate, but a lot of work to get her attracted, and you are one of the few men who can skip the section below.
If you are an average sized guy, half of the work needed for a woman to feel ready for physical intimacy with you is about making her feel attracted, and the other half about making her feel safe.
If you are tall, relatively athletic, and not too ugly, you do not need to focus so much on making a woman feel attracted, but you need most work on making her feel safe. Regardless of your physical stature, you are going to have to make a girl feel safe around you, as it is second on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Make her feel safe from OTHERS
This is relatively easy if you appear strong.
– Stop anyone from walking over you and face conflict head on
However, if she perceives that you let others walk over you, and/or that you rather back off in the face of conflict, she may lose all attraction, despite your physical appearance.
To understand what it means to back off in the face of conflict, watch this outtake from the tv series ‘Lucky Louie’:
– Provide anecdotes as supporting evidence of your ability to protect
You can proactively elicit her to feel safe from others, if you recount anecdotes of how you have protected others in the past, and how you tend to stand up for justice, or have protected yourself. (Of course only if it is true.) If you tell of an incident where you have been involved in a fight, make clear that you were not given another option and that initially you tried to defuse or at least ignore the aggression. If you fail to mention this, you come off as aggressive, which can be scary. If you tell of personal incidents of how a woman or kid has tried to hurt you verbally or physically and got away with it, then make sure it is clear that the only reason you did not stop them was because you do not want to hurt women or children. If not, to some women you will come off as weak, which repulses them sexually, and amuses them at best.
In the following scene from the tv series Louie, season 5, episode 4, we can see how loved ones react to a man when he confesses having been beaten up by a woman: with ridicule, not concern.
– Be prepared to take action and prove your ability to protect
Of course, should the situation present, a woman also has to be able to observe that you will stand up for her, yourself or other loved ones, should someone else cross a line.
To see how not standing up can negatively affect a woman’s attraction for you, look at this clip where a man backs off in the face of a verbal threat in front of his date:
It is for also for this reason that women who are in a relationship sometimes still feel an urge to go clubbing with their boyfriend. Inside of some women there is an instinct to create a situation where there is a higher likelihood she can verify whether her man will stand up for her and himself. (Not necessarily requiring him to use physical aggression: she may be satisfied if he threatens others to use it, or if he uses other means to discourage other men, and makes her feel special and cared for.)
– Stop doing everything she wants; stand your ground
If she doubts you will stand up for her, she will have an instinctive urge to elicit conflict with you, and see if you will end up doing what she wants or stand your ground. If you always do what she wants, she will start feeling increasingly repulsed by you, as inside of her something tells her it is not safe to be with you. This is why you being ‘dominant’ can be attractive: it shows you are capable of protecting her and standing up for yourself. There is nothing more sexy to a woman than a man who says “I tend to disagree” to something she says, or a man who just gives a plain “no” as answer to her request to do something. That is the reason why women do these annoying things to you all the time: they think what works on them and turns them on, has the same effect on men.
– Be sociable
Apart from all of the above, showing that you are socially well versed can be very attractive, as it means you can most likely talk yourself and her out of trouble, as well as have the ability to create a network of people that will be there to help out if needed. This is why sociable men are sometimes considered as more attractive: it feels safer.
Make her feel safe from YOU
This is going to take more effort the taller and stronger you appear.
– Temper your expression of anger and frustration
Women’s strong negative response to emotionally expressive men is probably the number one reason that crying boys with temper tantrums grow into very different men who have learned to not express their negative feelings, while women can keep on having temper tantrums throughout adulthood. It is because emotionally expressive men, especially those who express anger or frustration, cause women to seriously worry that his frustration or anger might at some point be turned against her. No woman wants to end up beaten, raped, or killed. If you show anger or frustration because of her even once, she will need more time to feel safe enough to be intimate with you a first time or at all.
– Make sure she feels no blame or pressure when you feel sad
To a lesser extent, apart from anger and frustration, showing sadness can make her feel unsafe too, but only if a repressed frustration shines through and if she feels blamed. If you are sad in response to something she did, but do not have an urge to verbally fight back to whatever she said or did to make you sad, and you say nothing that makes her think like you want her to feel guilty, then it is okay to express that sadness, and it can even make her more caring.
– Be funloving, intentionally misinterpreting, and anything but serious
However, the most effective way to make her feel safe, is to be a guy who does not take himself or others too seriously. If to whatever she says, you manage to react playfully or see the fun in it, she is going to feel very safe around you. The best way to do this is to purposely create comic misunderstandings around what she says, and even her rejections. Seeing how you can shake off anything that would make another guy upset will make you more attractive.
– Stay calm when she tries to annoy you (and offer false bait beforehand!)
Be aware that women also have instinctive urges to test whether you will be a threat to their safety. If a woman is aware of something you dislike, she is reflexively going to do exactly that at some point before being intimate, just to see your reaction. What she wants is to see that your reaction is void of anger or frustration, so she can feel safe to have sex with you. Again, the best defense is to react playful to anything. To help yourself deal with this test of her, you can offer her some false bait, and say that you really don’t like something of which in actuality you don’t care too much. (I will surely do this from now on! Every single girl I honestly said to what I don’t like prior to having sex with her, had done exactly that, and hurts like hell. Not cool.) If she takes the bait and then does the thing you ‘dislike’ to you, you can feel happy knowing you will soon pass her test without too much effort and without your feelings being hurt at all. Another motivator to stay calm, apart from increasing your likelihood of being intimate sooner, is that she will continue doing things that hurt you and see your reaction as long as she feels unsafe, but will stop as soon as you pass.
– Be persistent, but always leave her two options (preferably both of which you like)
In contrast to what you may think, making her feel safe, and being persistent can be mutually compatible. It is okay to ‘push’ for what you want, as long as you do not push in a way that makes her feel emotionally pressured or physically threatened. Basically, as long as you stay calm in expressing your like of her and desire for her, it is fine. Being persistent can be very attractive, as long as it shows her you leave her a choice and you show her you have control over yourself. You can talk to a girl on the most sexual topics, if at no point you try to touch her, and if at no point look at her lecherously (it shows self-control, despite the sexual topic). In reverse, you can touch her rather fast and on more personal areas, and she will allow it and get hugely turned on, if only you seem to have your attention elsewhere, talk about very mundane things while you do this, and generally appear relatively uninterested (again, because your expression shows self-control, despite the sexual atmosphere). The most attractive reassuring thing you can do for a woman in the cab to her/your home is to say “[insert her name here], I know you think you have to have sex with me, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to”. In bed, right before the first time with her, the most reassuring thing you can say is “if at some point I do something you don’t like, just slap on my hand, and I will stop”. If she knows there is always a possibility to change her mind without any negative consequences, it actually decreases the chance she will change her mind about wanting sex with you.
Make her feel her reputation is safe with you
– Let her chose who she shares her secrets with
Although in the present day and age, casual sex is something women enjoy, they like to be in control over who gets to know what about her private life. Often, her parents and future husband will never know much details if any at all, of the men she casually had sex with, how many, and how fast she ended up with those particular guys, or even of their existence. On the other hand she might gladly share with a select few friends and those very same casual fuckbuddies everything about her sex life. If she decides to base her entire relationship on a lie and unfairness to her husband (making him work for getting first sex, pretending she was never easy on anyone), she will have to deal with the consequences once he finds out. If she thinks that is the way to have a serious relationship, that is not your problem (unless you are her serious relationship).
– Encourage her to fuck dudes she hardly knows: she might do you too
As a man, if you appear to be judgmental about women who have casual sex, you are doing yourself a huge disfavor, because if she was initially willing to go to bed with you fast, now she is going to make you work for it, just so you cannot tell anything negative to others about her being fast on you. (This is stupid, because as a guy, actually you want her to be fast on you, rather than on other guys. You do not want her to play hard to get on you, and be easy on others. – At least according to a study by Professor Gurit Birnbaum.)
– Let her know you are open to and have experience with casual relationships
If you are becoming more and more of a player that gets to have casual sex frequently, on the one hand telling that you do, will make the women who get to hear this aware that you are open for sexual relationships, and make them consider the possibility of having one with you. Also, human nature: people want to most have what others have. If to a girl it appears you are desirable to other girls, you will become desirable to her too, whether she wants just sex or more.
– Show her you know the value of discretion
However, on the other side of the coin, you need to be careful with divulging on details. If you talk in too much detail about what sexual things you and other girls did, for some women who were initially attracted to you, this may already make them feel unsafe to do anything with you, while others may be turned on. There are individual differences here in whether women will feel their reputation is unsafe should they do something with you, or whether they will feel more attracted. Sometimes it is both.
Just know that if you divulge on personal identifiers (such as name, country of origin, job, sharing pictures, and too much identifying details on any prior girl), this increases the risk that a woman who was initially attracted to you, may now inhibit herself from being physically intimate with you, even if she wants to. Obviously, if you ever smear a girls reputation online or post your sex videos, you are more likely messing up your own chances more than hers, as other women will become very weary you might do the same to them.
– Accept her hypocrisy
Although women often share private details about their sex lives with their friends, and their personal frustrations, you need to be aware that if they get the slightest impression you do the same, she is going to feel her reputation is unsafe. Yes, hypocrites with double standards, I know. Either you accept it and get laid, or either you refuse to accept it and rub one out all by yourself as the champagne of loserdom. Your choice.