Here I propose that both to make someone attracted to you, as well as to maintain their affection for you once you are in a relationship, you need to take into account Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as depicted above.
Maslow’s hierarchy states the apparently obvious, namely that to be able to fulfill the highest level human needs, you need to first make sure that first the primary, lower level needs are sufficiently met. People are not concerned with others (i.e., the highest level on the needs hierarchy, namely self transcendence), if they haven’t been able to self-actualize and become a better version of themselves first (fifth level). And before anyone of us is concerned about actualizing ourselves (fifth level), we all want to be recognized and valued (fourth level) for who we are as a unique valuable individual to at least one other person in our life. And prior to the need to be liked for who we are, we first need to feel we belong somewhere (third level); that we are part of something bigger, that we belong together with at least one other person. Even more basic than belonging, is to feel safe physically and emotionally (second level), safe from being hurt. Yet most primary of all are our physical needs (first level): just think how our ancestors, from cavemen to starved civilians in wartime would would risk their safety to meet their physical needs, such as hunger, thirst, etc.
So to apply this hierarchy of needs to help build and maintain attraction, it is necessary:
- To first make sure that physical needs are not distracting your dates, and are not causing unnecessary conflict in your relationships, whether casual or serious.
More details can be found in the blogpost attraction and physical needs (Maslow’s 1st level)
- Next, whether your date or your partner, you need to make each other feel safe in order to keep things going.
How to make eachother feel safe is described in general in the blogpost attraction and safety (maslow’s 2nd level). More specific tips for men in seducing women by making them feel safe can be found in the blogpost “tips for guys: how to make her feel safe”.
- Apart from physical needs and safety, it is crucial you allow your date or your partner to feel part of a larger whole and not restrict them from connecting with you, friends and family, because anyone who never feels connected gets crazy.
See our blogpost on attraction and ‘belonging’ for more information.
- People have a need for their uniqueness and contributions to be recognized and appreciated: this is especially true in dating and relationships.
More info in the blogpost on attraction and recognition (Maslow’s 4th level)
- If you help your date or your partner become a better version of themselves, it guarantees they are going to see you as a real special person, unlike most of their exes (who most likely did not do this).
For more details, consult the blogpost attraction and self-actualisation (Maslow’s 5th level)
- Self transcendence is all about selfless acts: if you helped your date or partner in the previous point, they will automatically become selfless, and you will notice when they are more focused on making you happy than themselves.
In a series of posts on Love in light of Maslow’s pyramid, we are going to explore exactly how this hierarchy of needs can be used to understand what is necessary for attraction to grow and what is necessary for attraction to remain.