In this post, we will continue with the final questions to find out whether you should leave or stay. Only go through these if the previous answers did not give you enough certainty on what to do. Remember, if one answer indicates you should leave, its value in answering your question takes precedence above your answers to all other questions! (For more detail on how to use this diagnostic tool, refer to the break-up guidelines)
31 – Do you have a desire or dream so important that you will feel you wasted your life if you didn’t take a shot at it, and did you give up hope you’ll ever be able to fulfill that desire/dream because your relationship prevents you from getting any closer to that?
If “yes” – leave. You will be unhappy if you stay, even if you may never reach your goal when you leave. Of course, if there is a realistic chance you can fulfill your dream while in the relationship with your current partner, by all means stay. Basically what you have to do is, try to get there at any cost (even your relationship) if it is really crucial to your life satisfaction, or just shut up about it if your relationship is more crucial to your life satisfaction than anything else.
32 – Do you get the impression that when you open up to your partner, (s)he mostly ends up using that information to hurt you, to make you feel bad and control you?
If “yes” – leave. You are not just imagining things: every piece of advice (s)he gives that tells you what is wrong with you as a whole, what you need to change, can only have such negative impact on your feelings precisely because it is specifically building on information you revealed in a moment of trust and apparent warmth. That can very well be the intention of gaining your trust: to be able to strike where it hurts, make you weaker, and thus more malleable to her/his power. If you find yourself saying “I know”, “You’re right” and “Yes, that’s true” all too often when (s)he is telling what is wrong with you, take a good look at your relationship. It is normal that in relationships, sometimes the personal details and secrets come back at you to hurt you, but if that seems to be a pattern or to be the main result of sharing your emotions in a moment of intimacy, then it’s time to move on. When intimacy with your partner feel unsafe, a basic cornerstone of that relationship is undermined.
33 – Are you capable of having the intimacy you desire? Is there any place of overlap between your definition of intimacy and that of your partner’s? (For example, you may feel that intimacy is when your partner hugs you and says “I love you”, whereas your partner may feel intimacy is when (s)he can hug you to express her/his love without those artificial words.)
If “no” – leave. If one of you has a view on what intimacy is which the other one thinks is merely a superficial act and the total opposite of intimacy, and there is no inclination to adjust the point of view on this matter even slightly, you will regret if you stay together.
34 – Can you and your partner still make each other happy every now and then? (It doesn’t have to be an ecstatic happiness, it doesn’t have to be frequently, and the act that makes the other happy can even be something very trivial. What matters is that the thing is something which can make you happy, and that it occurs at a frequency which is sufficient.)
If “no” – leave.
35 – Do you and your partner still have certain goals or even dreams in common? (This can be anything, even if the two of you are vastly different on many areas.) Do you have something in common?
If “yes” – stay. Striving together for reaching a same goal makes living together easier.
If “no” – don’t necessarily give up hope. It is possible to do without.
36 – If all problems in your relationship would be instantaneously gone, would you still doubt between staying and leaving?
If “yes” – leave. Still having doubts when there are no problems you can point out, indicates that you have a deeper dissatisfaction about your partner and/or your relationship with her/him.
Okay, by now the answer should be clear. Here are some break up songs, just in case: